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Travel Solo

 Hey, it has been so long i did not update here. first of all, am i happy now? yes i am, i am happy for myself but in term of partner or new relationship? i kinda confused about it. am i ready for a new relationship? do i really need a partner? that i have to figure it out however, i have stopped seeing my therapist. because i moved out and i cant meet my therapist. we did online but it wasnt good for me, i prefer face to face session with the therapist. when i stopped therapist, i felt a little bit crazy as i dont have homework from the therapist. lol. so i went to another country for travelling solo. let me be honest, i travelled alone in a country that i have never been, it was good at the first day. i went to bar, club and dancing all alone. i met new people here and there. i even met someone who matched on tinder. lol and obviously it happened one night stand. gosh i miss sex but i dont like short term sex? it just that moment i had a good time sex but yea... it has no affecti...
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I Wanna Cry

 I was packing my stuff from his house. Oh my, I am crying right now because of the memories. The way he provided me the house, the comfortable but not my emotionally. I love the comfort of this house. It is not that big but I am comfy with this house. Now I have to go back my parents house. Which I dont like it.  I dont like to go to my parents house because of the messy. I have to clear up all the mess. I have to make my own room clean again. Of course I would deco my brother's room but yeah I am gonna miss this house. I kinda miss our memories of this house. Our memories the marriage, the love we had. gosh, the healing journey is so hard. i wish i can go out this house as soon as possible. my dad has already picked up my stuff into his truck. still have a few boxes but i managed to bring it by myself home soon. oh my, dear my ex husband I miss you but I dont want you back in my life. Never. but i had have gave you my best love to you. I realized this is my first time being ...
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I Don't Want to Me Him

 I am not fully move on after divorced on September 2025 but I could say 20% moved on. Yet I still have to meet him for some reason to settle up our shits. Do I need someone right now? I am not ready yet into a new relationship. Do I feel lonely? Yes I am but I am enjoy my own company in the house, in my room. It just that I am not going out much. I could go out but just be behave for some reasons.  Every time the flashback came, I accepted the pain. I saw on tiktok that about obsessive the pain? I am not sure of it. I know it takes time to move on and healing but I believe in myself that whatever I do, is just for myself.  What if in few months or few years he text/call me? Depend on the situation, is it important or not but if he try to get back, I wont getback with a cheater. Am I feeling regret right now? No I am not but I want someone. I dont care if a friend or platonic friendship or friend with benefit. Just someone, you know?  I am trying not to tweet or post...
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Do I need a new partner?

 I am working right now, but my mind cant stop thinking about "do i need a new partner?" like a new relationship? i feel like this divorced is still fresh from oven. am i moved on now? i dont know as there is sometimes flashback about him cheated on me, his redflags also a moment with him. good memories such as how he loved me before. but i know in reality his love has gone towards me. so what is the point thinking about it? no. i didnt thinking about it. it just the flashback came and i hate it. im not rushing to have a new relationship but i do want a new partner. i mean maybe friends with benefit? no love just intercourse and then we can go anywhere as a friend. like dating but it is not dating. just as a friend. ofc in my age around 30s they want to get married and have child. me? i kinda not ready for new relationship to be honest. if fling? maybe. hehehe. how long im gonna keep getting this flashback? i think because i still live in this house and it makes me thinking i...
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I Know Him

 first of all, why i wanna type here instead of writing on the book as my journal? well im lazy to write. actually i have intention for paperless but honestly writing is the best. like your hand is moving with the pen and let it out. is it same as typing? im not sure. but i like typing here because it feels good and my fingers are also moving right?  i know my ex. i know how his behaviour, i accepted his flaws. his good and bad. but until now, he is fucking senile. always forgot something. duh. something not like manageable in his life. and i realize somehow i am like his mom. arrange here and there. lol goodluck bitch for taking him from me. you take my problem not my man. haha.  i cant say a bad thing always about him. he has a good attitude somehow but when i realize it is more redflag honestly. maybe because im in love so much and i denied his redflag which i have this thought, it is okay. it takes time for him to change. soon he will realize with his behaviour blabla...
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Intercourse After Divorced

I just came while work from home by using my vibrator. It was so good. I dont remember which type of vibrates because there are a lot of type vibrates haha. such a relieved. i bet this is ovulation moment. lol.  i am not seeing anyone after divorced but i felt like i need someone to fuck but at the same time i am afraid of HIV or STD things. people nowadays fuck around i guess? i am not sure. if i found on dating app, that person wont be last longer. it is hard to find someone and stick to one dick. of course the condom is technically fine but for me, i dont know. but dude, i lost my virginity after married. my sexuality go wild unfortunately he fucked with someone else maybe i am not good on bed as first timer. lol.  do i have to find someone to fuck? dude, really? i am not a hoe but maybe coming soon when i travel around the world? i have a plan which next year would be my prime my glow up or whatever people say that is new me after divorced. i have so much plan for myself a...
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Personal Journal but Nobody Cares

 I just created this blogspot today. New email. New password (I hope I remember the password in the future). Why I am creating this? I created this blog as my personal journal that nobody gonna read this. I will stay as anonymously. I would vent here, I would write a poem with broken grammar whatsoever. No judgement here. Only me know this. but if any human read this blog. I hope you give me a motivation or any comments you think it is necessary. Today, I feel so heavy. Emptiness. I am not lost, it just I dont know what to do with my life after divorced. We divorced because my partner is cheated on me. The married not even 2 years, we already divorced because of someone else who never stopped chasing. why i have to stay in this marriage? it is not worth it. no happiness. all i got only sad.  i wish i can move on fast but it is not that easy. we have known for each other like 8 years. but that is fine. i can cry whenever i want. cry as much as i want. it is normal. it is normal...
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